Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Misguided way of thinking?

I wonder if I have a misguided way of thinking. Or is the way I see how I am is not the same. I see myself happy and relaxed and having fun. Most of the time. I can see myself being totally letting go...but with that comes less responsible me. Is that what I really need. Do I need to let go of some of the tight fist ways of thinking to achieve the greater happiness? And if I do that will it change the core of me? And how does one go about doing that?

I want to be the happy, go-lucky girl I use to be. I started to be that way about a year ago, and then the loss of my job snapped me back quickly. Now that I am well employed again, I should be able to easy slip back into that person right? Sadly its not so. I'm trying but its just beyond my reach. I think I am scared to grab it. But why? Why would one be so scared to reach and hold on to happiness?

Me? Cuz the bottom always falls out. Have faith. Have trust in me. Hard to trust and have faith when everything in my life has show the other. I have to stop letting my past affect my future but I have yet to figure out how that is to happen. Do you just ignore all of the twinges that are screaming at you to stop, and keep going with that that you are doing?

How can I be the person I see that I am on the inside on the outside? Or am I that person just most do not see that person in me? Is my way of thinking misguided or is everyone else? I always am so careful to do what is needed of me for others, and put myself last. Anytime I put myself first, others get hurt and I feel guilty. And why is it that I can never tell anyone what I need? I am so scared of being hurt or hurting others, because that part sucks, that I loose myself in that fear and overcompensate by taking on more and more, and taking it out on those that I love the most. How does one stop the train wreck that I have created for myself? I don't know how. I'm at a total loss at this point. I'm taking all suggestions as they come...because if I can't fix this now, then its hopeless. And it cannot be hopeless. Because I can see the me that I want to be. The me I NEED to be, for myself.

So this is my plea for help. This is the only way I know how to do this because I cannot just walk up and say help least not at the point I am at now. And those  that are close, those that I love, give me time please. I'm trying. I promise. I'm going to get there. I just am not sure how long it will take.

xoxo, T