Thursday, June 10, 2010

As the saying goes...

The old saying goes "Life is short, make the most of it". I ask myself how does one do that? My idea vs. your idea of making the most of it can be drastically different. There are so many ways one can make the most of their life. Some people may think that making the most of their life might be just by being a parent. Or by taking trips around the world. Helping out others in need.

Tonight I had been thinking about how I would make the most out of my life. I have an okay life so far. I would not call it great by any means, but its okay. There are a lot of things I sure wish were different. There is so much left that I want to do and accomplish in this life of mine. I can see what they are and I can see me doing them. I just don't see the grayness between where I am now and then. HOW do I get to where I want to be?

Hard work? Well yes, I know that. And I do nothing but work hard. The funny thing is I feel like I have NOTHING to show for it. The harder I work the less I have to show. But hard work is said to get you to the places you want to go and need to go. Well so far I'm going no where fast. Hmmm... makes me wonder if I have the right perspective on this.

Dreams? Oh I have a lot of those. I dream about traveling the world. Traveling the USA. Singing. Writing. Taking pictures of beautiful things. Owning a home. Being married again (this time happily). Finishing my education. Opening my own business. Being truly happy.

Its so hard doing things now days. What makes it even harder is being plagued with self-doubt. I totally act like I have sooo much confidence in myself. When I really don't. My feeling on that is that the more I act like I have confidence the more it will come. Right idea or wrong? So far its not working. But time will tell I guess. Days and nights spent alone are never good for me. And seeing others doing things that I would love to be doing is even worse. But there is nothing I am doing now that is holding me back (so I think, please correct me if I am wrong) from getting what I want. Its just that it seams like life likes to throw up all over me. And let me tell you, I'm tired of it.


Monday, June 7, 2010

Back to my roots...

Ever have a moment or two where you reflect on your life as it is now, and look back where you have came from? Then you wonder how some of the really great stuff from where you came from is not where your at now? Yeah its one of those nights.

I'm up blogging instead of sleeping. Too many thoughts in my head. A lot of it has just got to come out! The last few days I was able to do some stuff I truly love doing. And its made me take a HARD look at my life and the direction its going. I have been doing a good job in where I have made changes, and need to make more. Some of the changes have been drastic but some not enough. I need to be more true to me and less people pleasing.

One of those changes is going back to some of my good roots. I have always said I love country music, and left it at that. But the truth is I'm a country gal. As a good friend said today "Your such a cowgirl". Damn right, and damn proud of that. Spent all day Saturday baking in the lovely California sunshine at a Country Music concert. Going to that made me realise how much I do miss being truly me. The cowgirl boots wearing, hat and dancing the day/night away girl. I miss the bonfires, drinking, dancing, and having a great time. I miss being out there, the out doors. Where you can look up and see the stars out. So time to go back to that. Time to quit hiding from it all, and feel like I cant be that girl when deep down, that is who I truly am.

You know the post I did not too long ago about List and dating? Yeah my list of a guy to date... Country Cowboy. A real one, not these fake guys pretending to be country boys. Know the music and rock it. Have the look (yes tight wranglers do NOT make you look gay, they are HOT! as are cowboy boots and hat!). Work with your hands, and don't apologize for it. Drink your beer, wine or other. Be real.

Just a bit from my past that is coming back to my future. Much needed cuz one needs to be themselves, be the real you, and no someones version of you.

xoxo, T

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Writing Cont.....

One would think after I just spent the last 5 hours writing straight that I would have nothing more to say. HAHA! That is funny. But really, I'm blogging about writing! Irony there. This paper that I'm working so hard on for my Psy class for school, is on me. Which I did talk about in my previous blog. And I did mention my last blog that the delete key would be my friend. It was very friendly. I think I may have overused the poor dear.

The paper is on me. My life. My past. My present. My future as I see how it should go. Should be a cake walk paper. And most people out there would say it is. Not me. Its one of the hardest papers to write. See I have had a very, ummm, shall we call it, challenging life? Even that word cannot convay how hard, complicated, difficult, ect my past has been. There are things I must edit out of the paper because its just too personal to tell to a stranger. Those things are too personal to even tell my best friends.

I laugh off my childhood. I make a joke out of how things were back then. Its easier for me to talk about it like its no big deal. But I tell you it was and is a big deal. There are things (multipul) that happen back then that to this very day, this very post, affect me. Your past shapes who you become. There are things I know that needed to happen in order to be the person I am today. But there are things that happened that I sure in hell wish did not. I could have gone my whole life and not have had about 70% that has happened before been gone. I think if it did not happen I would be happier. I would be healthier for sure.

Even though I am not saying what happened, I'm sure you, the reader, can get how seriouse this is, and why I cannot write about it for a Term paper in college. I have had a whole lot of people tell me I should write a book on my life. I keep saying maybe I will. It would make for a good read I think. But I would have to make it sound fiction, because having my life story out there for the world to read and be able to tie it right back to me, would be too much to bear. But its worth considering.....right? Thoughts?

xoxo, T