Thursday, December 31, 2009

A year looking back 2009

It's been a year of up's and downs. But I am able to look back to look forward....

Flash back to Jan. I made some goals for 2009... and some of which I did meet. I got us back into our own place. I did put money into savings, but had to spend it to keep a roof over our heads. I worked hard at work and school. I got a better job(s). I think I did good about being a better mother and friend (others will need to weigh in on this). I have been a lot more honest and I have said the word "No" a whole lot more. I'll be posting my 2010 goals sometime soon. Last thing that happen was I thought to dip my toes into the dating world for the first time in years.

In Feb. bills got paid and money came in. I found us our own place!!! And that is pretty much all that really happened that month.

March came with us moving into our own place and me meeting a guy I would think at the time I would date for a very long time. Was it love at first sight? I don't know.... at that moment it might have been lust blind. My baby girl turned 9 years old this month!!!

In April I kicked it off with a harsh look at my life on a little bunny trail and then came back the next day with a re-direction and some good introspect. We spend Easter weekend exploring parts of California. I also voiced my thoughts on the complex I think I have about people not liking me. And then I turned 30 years old.

May came and went very quickly... I had some thoughts on the best laid plans and the boyfriend got me a spa treatment which I used and ended up being allergic to. I did some more introspecting into my life and some looks at my stressor's.

June came with the last year of helping run our local Cub Scout day camp and both of my kids went to camp. Then we had a very action packed week with exploring Big Trees, Silver Lake and Boo's ballet recital.

July came quietly into our lives and then sprang into action. I went on my first mini-vacation without my kids. Austin spent 2 weeks at camp and then the kids went back to school.

Aug. rolled right along with back to school activities and a hike in Yosemite!!! The month ended with me getting sick with H1N1.

When Sept. came along, changes came with it. I was working at our local news paper and got another job working for a local hotel. But I manged to jump the gun a bit and bit off more than i could handle. I became so over tired that everything suffered and it ended with even more changes and choices to make. Yet the plan did not go as most best laid plans.

October came with a break up...and a chance to achieve a life-long dream.

November was a crazy busy month with working every day but 2. I enjoyed every minute of it!

When December hit, I could not believe the year had come and gone. I was left wondering where it went to. And then it hit...hard fact to face that my son will be 14 years old.

That is my year in review. Everything is linked so you can read more details if you so choose. Those reading this on facebook please go to my blog to leave the comments if you have any. I like any feedback.

This coming year with my blog it will be a slight change. A bit more personal, honest and blunt. The true and deep thoughts will come out... and some you may not like and some you may. No matter what I do apprecate any words you do leave.

Good-bye to 2009. Hello to 2010 and all that it will bring!

xoxo, T

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


With Christmas upon us... I have been baking. The kids have parties to go to, and snacks to bring. Money is still tight so cookies are gifts this year to my family/friends. Most people that know me, know its a treat.

Hard to belive it but my son will be 14 this Sunday. VERY hard for me to believe that its been 14 years sense I was a teen mom. I know I ahve grown and changed a whole lot sense then, but now that its been so long, it seams forever ago, yet just yesterday. I think about him being 14 and I remember what my life was like back when I was 14. I had just moved back with my mother after living with my grandmother for most of my life. I went from a very rigid life style with no freedom to ultimate freedom. What was a teen to do? Well I partied it up a bit... and ended up getting pg with my son by the time I was nearly 16 years old.

Fast forward to today... My son is in that age. Scary thought! Grant it he has had a whole lot more stable life style than I have EVER had. Still has not had the best, but a lot more stable than mine. I have spent a lot of time in the last few weeks thinking back to that time. The time where I was a teen. How I felt, delt with things. So much to grow from still.

xoxo, T

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I have been quite the busy person...

And have not slowed down yet. Can you believe its already December? I'm having a hard time dealing with that fact. This month brings about a lot of things. Austin will be 14 years old. Christmas. One of my best friends is leaving the country for 2 whole weeks. and other changes that I know are coming but I have to wait to see what they will be.

I should back up a bit and give you an update sense my last post. My trip out of the country is still on. Tha happens June of 2010. I am now working 2 jobs and am VERY happy at both. I decided last month (Nov.) to do bartending school. Figured it gives me something that I can do extra and make extra money at any time. Pretty cool. May be having a few private gigs lined up here shortly. :)

The kids are doing well. Boo starts Cheerleading in January. Austin is working hard on Scouts to get to that Eagle Scout. Couple more weeks and they are out for Christmas break. I can say for me, I cannot wait for them to be out so I dont have to get out early in the morning when its so cold to drive them to school. :)

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!!

xoxo, T

Sunday, October 11, 2009

achiveing a Life long what cost?

Yes at what cost would you take to achive a life long dream? For me, just about anything is on the table. See, a friends son is going to 3 countries that I have always wanted to go. And if i can come up with the $ then i can go too. So I need to come up with $3,000. That takes care of air fare, hotel, transportation and meals. If I do, i will be able to go to Ireland, England and France. To the cities of Dublin, London and PARIS!!!! Oh my Lord! I have wanted to go my entire LIFE to those countries. I have never figured out HOW to get there but I was going to go. Well now i got it figured out. Just need to raise the funds in about 6 months. How to do that is the question of the night.

On top of that, I will need to pay for a passport. that is $100 right there. Also need to get a camera, which i just priced at $600. Also need to figure out what to do with my kids. Austin will be gone at camp for the first 3 days of the trip. Alexandria has no place she has to be. So need to figure something for them out.

But really, would you think of turning down a life long dream just because there is a few obsticals? In this is where I think of the book/speech "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch. In it he said "The brick walls are there for a reason. They're not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something." I agree. The brick walls of money and someplace for the kids to go are there to show me how badly I want to go. How badly do I really want to achive this dream?

And a bit of an update on changes. My boyfriend and I broke up. Oh well to that. I have moved on and am very happy. Hanging out with new friends. Have been invited to a few parties for Halloween night and a birthday party to go to soon! Like having new friends. I like what i'm doing with my life. Now to get more hours at work or another job that is NOT a night shift job and I can be working out great!!!

that is all for now....

xoxo, T

Thursday, September 24, 2009

So some changes start

right now. Yep, that is right.

Sense the last post things have changed yet again. Good right? Well I dont know on that yet. what i do know is that i just rolled with them and adjusted my thinking.

So my night away...not gonna happen. Why? Because I'm a mom first and formost. Alexandria had dental surgery done on Wed. 4 teeth removed, 6 root canels and 6 caps. Plus 3 fillings. Thankfully they knocked her out so she has no memory of like 4 hours. Which is good for her and me both. But the down side is she is now finally feeling better from that TONIGHT, a day later. But she is coming down sick with a cold or something like that. She has cough and fever. So I cannot in good faith leave for 24 hours with her coming down sick. Makes sense? Yes. Am I happy with that choice? Not really, but oh well. I'll roll with it.

So, I still need to breathe, I need to do something to get what is in me out. What else can I do that is as good as 24 hour break? Tattoo. yep you got that right. Back when I was working 14 days straight and 14 hour shift, and I was so stressed out by my family and was getting angry all the time. I had no time to leave and get a break. I got my 1st and 2nd tattoo then. Now I'm not working like I was, but the kids are much older now, and with that they are busy all the time. So am I. Which means I dont have time to take my 24 hour break soon. With that, I will get a tattoo. I have ran thru ideas, more and more of them. I finally found out for one I do like. Tomorrow I am going to see if my friend can draw up what i'm looking at doing. And then tomorrow night go and get it done. I hope it does not cost TOO much. We'll see.

Tomorrow I will go to work for a short bit of time. I dont want to leave Alexandria too long. I will get the tattoo done after Austin gets home from school. Sometime this weekend I'll be going with my best friend and getting massages done.

I will take my weekend away sometime soon. I made myself that promise. I will start doing the things *I* like and NOT care about what others say about me. By me doing that in the last several years, I have lost a big part of me that *I* loved. I want and need that part of me back. My family and friends need that part of me back too, even though they have NO clue what they have been missing. I know that I will lose friends I have now with this change, but if they do make that choice, then they were not real friends from the start.

Sometimes life changes are hard. Sometimes they are easy. Mine are going to be both hard and easy too. It will be an interesting road ahead... stay tuned!

xoxo, T

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Changes and more choices

that is all that seems that I am facing. I hate changes and choices. I know that its needed in life...but it does not mean that I have to like it.

There is just so much going on. I feel like everything is spinning outta control. I'm standing in the middle of the room and unable to breathe. I dont like feeling this way. So its time to take control right?

Step 1: Quit the night job. I feel hella guilty for quitting then I think about how much I personally do not like this job. How badly my heart broke when my little girl said she misses her mommy. How little bit of sleep I get every weekend. How I do not have a day "off" to relax. No, I dont need this job. So I will quit after tonight.

Step 2: take a day off for me. that will be happening next friday. I'm going to get off work and head to the coast. I have booked a hotel room in Bodega Bay. I havent been there in ages. My room has a view of the ocean, you can open the window and hear it. Every time I think about that I just want to get in the car and go now. I'm craving that freedom and the chance to relax. may even pamper myself while I'm there. We'll see. Just to know I dont have anything to do but relax sounds like heaven.

Step 3: ........ I dont know beyond this point. I think I'll know what step three is when I finish off step 2. At least that is what I'm hoping for.

I do know this: This weekend has been hell. everyone is coming down sick, I have not got enough sleep, I forgot about some commitments I was to do. and a bunch of other stuff. I know that Wednesday will be hell on earth for me. Probley one of the worst days of my life. My baby girl is going to have dental sergery done. 13 teeth have issues. 4 of which have to be pulled. She will be given a medication to knock her out so she will have no memorie of this. But I will. I can still remember both times something like this happened to Austin. And those cries and screams still haunt me to this day. Now I'll have them for Boo too.

I feel fragle. Raw and too emotional. I need to heal up some wounds. I need to find my inner strenght again. I need to remember that the only one I can ever count on is me. Because when it comes right down to it, *I* am the only one that is never changing and never leaving. I need to find the fun part of me again. That part got burry so long ago, I'm not sure it can be found. But I'm going to look. I just know that when that part of me is found, that some people are going to judge and walk away. And too bad on them. That is their choice and not mine.

There is much more to say... and more to be said in coming days. But for now I end this. I should be sitting here and working on my school paper. But I cannot focus on that right now. I will soon.

xoxo, T

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Have you ever been so tired

that you dont know what day it is, what time it is, where you are and how to get home? I'm there. I am so tired I cannot eat anything without it coming back up. I cannot sleep without crying myself to sleep. I cannot even put into words how tired I am because its too much effort. I'm totally shut down. I'm in pure survival mode. Its just enough for me to get one foot in front of the other. I am crying over nothing because my body and mind is screaming at me.

I have to stop. I cannot work both jobs. The value of the paper, pay wise, room for growth and so on... makes it a much better job. The job at the hotel is not. I have more hours, but less pay. I dont get to sleep or see the kids. I dont like being gone all night and they are home alone. It worries me.

So it has got to go. I was going to just hang in there till I can get another p/t job but i dont think i can. i left the bosses a note saying i cannot come back in tonight. Did not leave a reason. But i'm sure the one i talked to yesterday can figure that out. I told him i could not keep doing this. his thing is, okay 4 over nights and one swing. Uh, what part of I CANNOT DO OVERNIGHTS did you not get? :sigh:

The up side of all of this, I can now see when I push myself to far. I know my limit. I just need a 2nd job that is during the am hours, and is at least 10 hours a week at $10 or more an hour and we'll be just fine.

With that I have one hour left here. Then its off to go home. I just texted my friends son to see if she can pick up Austin to take him to school this am. I dont think I should be driving. I wish I did not even have to drive home, I am that tired. I relise this and i will be careful. But its scary when you can see this going on and there is nothing you can do but do what you must.

xoxo, T

Monday, September 7, 2009

Wow... hotel....

Yep... so excited... may have jumped the gun a bit. Its been at least 5 years sense I have done graveyard shift reg. And I was always busy. Here at the hotel, I pretty much sit here and do my school work and try very hard to stay awake. There is nothing else to do until about 5 am when I do the night audit and then get the breakfast running.

The first night was okay, I work with another gal so I can learn my job. The second night, cops were here 2 times. Again was working with another person. Did I mention that the hotel is not on the "best" side of town? Yeah its not. Oh and it has a glass door. And I'm all alone here for 8 hours all night long.

Now last night was my 3rd night here. And my first on my own. Shortly after the other gal left, a guy comes in needing to use the phone. He was drunk and driving, had got pulled over (dui check just up the road) and needed to call a buddy to come get the car and him. I was nice and let him use it, then promply locked the door after he was gone. It was totally slow after that till about 530am when a guest dropped off a key to check out. Then was crazy busy because I had to get breakfast going but had no idea how to do it so someone was here to help. Still have no clue how to do it but oh well. I can ask questions. Right? Yes. But will I get answers that will help? Who knows.

Tonight... boy it was a night for the books. And its not even over yet! So far, a guy walks in and checks in to a room. No biggie. Just about 145am a guy calls and is asking about a room with a hot tub. Then is telling me all about his wife's large breasts, down to the size and everything. How he wants her to have their own private room with a hot tub. And it got more and more x-rated from there. I got off the phone with him as quickly and professonally as I could but was/am totally creeped out. Went back to doing my school work and he CALLS BACK AGAIN!!! Dont think he quite relised that he called the same number because he started just like he did before. This time I handled it a bit better and got off the phone with him faster. But, dude.... that is creepy.

So now I have about 4 hours to go, night is half over with. I am staying awake with the aid of my iTunes player with music, pepsi and no-doz. I had 6 hours of broken sleep yesterday. Tomorrow I'm hoping for 6 hours straight sleep. I know my boyfriend will try his best to make sure that happens, but I dont know if my body will allow me to sleep that long in the day time. Have to work here again tomorrow night, and then the paper tomorrow afternoon. Not sure how this is all going to work out, because I am not use to staying up all night long like this. I thought I would be fine.... so far I'm far from it.

Any advice?

xoxo, T

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Work, work and more work

Wow.... Just a month ago I was begging for jobs. And now I have 2. One full time job and one part time job. I am now working EVERY day of the week. It is really cool, let me tell you. Money can actually go into savings! My new jobs are working at our local news paper and working at a local hotel. Pretty cool, huh? Paper is my part time job.... mon- friday. and the hotel is full time sat-wed. I'm loving it!

With that the kids are acting up. they are getting a bit more freedome than what they are use to and are being total snots. I'm not quite sure what to do to correct the behaviors. But something has to be done. So we are working on that. I hope.

This week we added to our little family. Little kitty named Path. He is so loving and very hyper. Fits right on in. He was adopted from a local shelter and was fixed the same day. So he has a cone on his head until next Thursday when it can come off.

I started back to school this week as well. That is going good. Lots of work and its all worth it because in 3 years I'll be graduated with my BS in Business Management!

That is it for now. I need to finish making our late dinner, eat it and send the kids to bed. Because it is off to work I go tonight!

xoxo, T

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

been sick

Oh how much I HATE being sick. I'm the worst person to be around when I'm sick. And I refuse to allow myself to get sick. So when I do, I really do. NOT FUN.

This time it was a cold, I think. Not even sure. Started with a sore throat on Thursday of last week. I did not think anything of it because I went into a business where there was something I was allergic to. Thought it was scrachy because of that. Nope. Friday comes around and I'm starting to feel worse and worse. Next comes the fever, cough and stuffy nose. YUCK.

Saturday afternoon went to M's to work on the mural. Was feeling okay, not too bad on the sick end. Sunday went for the 25 mile bike ride. THAT was fun. I totally enjoyed myself with it and was feeling great. Then worked more on the murals again till late.

Monday came and was sooo very sick. I just wanted to die. Stayed home from work because I could not see to drive and my temp was so up. :( BF came in that night and took care of me. Works for me.

Today stayed home from work again because I was still totally outta it. Now I'm feeling a bit better. Hopefully I'll be all better tomorrow. I have to because I am going into work.

I'll update on other things when the med head is totally gone and I can make more sense. :)

xoxo, T

Friday, August 7, 2009

Short and Sweet...

This is going to be a short and quick update... more to follow maybe tomorrow night.

This week was filled with back to school nights for both the kids. I met all but one of Austin's teachers. Out of the 6 that I did meet, one I was not overly fond of. Met Alexandria's teacher. Well not too fond of her too, but Alexandria is loving being in her class. So we'll leave that alone for right now.

Had a job interview this week. More information to come on that later. As in when I know more. I'm wishing I will get it. I'm not hoping, hoping is bad for me.

Tomorrow we are up at 4am to go to Yosemite. First time ever for me. I'm excited. Doing a pretty nice hike with the Boy Scouts. Alexandria will not be coming along for this one. She is at a friends house until I come home tomorrow late after noon. Just Austin and I for the hike with a bunch of other scouts and 4 other adults. I'm very much so looking forward to this.

That is pretty much it for the moment. I'll be sure to post about the hike when we come back. May have to wait until Sunday if I'm too tired. :)

xoxo, T

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Job, School and more

Rip off the bandade, throw down some salt in the hole and see how that feels. Yep that is just how I was feeling when I got the call about a Job I had been interviewing for, for over 3 weeks. Can you figure out what the call said? "No, sorry we went with someone else". How frustrating. And how much of a test of faith can I get? I keep asking how much more I have to wait, or what is it that I am doing wrong? Because I have 2 kids to raise, they need their momma working. I love working. So I'm going crazy with all of these no's! There is nothing out there right now too. :(

School is back for the kids. They started this past Tuesday. I now have a 8th grader and a 4th grader. Both are pretty pleased with their teachers and classmates. A few changes if they could have their way, but that will not be happening. :) School for me starts back Aug 31. I am excited to get back into that routine again as well.

Popcorn sales for scouts kicks off here this week as well. Austin needs to sell, sell, sell. He has several camps coming up this next summer that is about $1,000 he will need to raise to pay to go to. Selling popcorn will put a huge dent in that. Anyone want some? I went to training on that tonight, fun. I won a fishing pole. That will be going back to the troop!!! I do not fish.

This weekend is a busy weekend. Filled with birthday parties. And the following weekend we are going with the Scouts to Hike Yosemite!!! I have never been and I cannot wait to go. I just need to find someone to babysit Alexandria. As that hike will be too much for her!

That is it for now. I need to get some sleep in. Have a lot of work around the house to do tomorrow.

xoxo, T

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Can we just sit back and enjoy?

Because that is what i'm doing now. I'm sitting back and enjoying my life and those around me. The last couple of days have been pretty good and productive. Yesterday I finished off my scrapbook pages for part of my vacation.

Today I had coffee with a dear friend and then took my daughter out to shoot pictures of her. She is a great model. Even though I had to bribe her with a lunchable to get her to do it for me. <>

Tonight i'm hoping to work on a couple of projects and work on other scrapbook pages. I'm so excited to have my love for it back! It never really went away, I was just feeling overwhelming guilt for thinking about doing it. Lucky, I got past that. Of which, I'm sure many people are happy about.

This weekend Austin comes back from camp. I'm sure he will be grumpy! lol. He always is. The kids go back to school next Tuesday. And tomorrow I will be finding out about my jobs I have interviewed for. Lots of exciting and happening things going on.... but for right now, I'm just going to keep enjoying it.

xoxo, T

Monday, July 20, 2009

Whew! Crazy couple of weeks

Hard to believe that the kids will be back in school in just over a week. But here it is. End of summer vacation! :( <--- That face is for them. I'm the one wearing the big smile!!! lol I love my kids, but being with them 24/7 gets old fast.

Austin is currently up in the moutains at his last week long camp of the summer. I drove him up there today (about a 3.5-4 hour drive one way). It was great to get outta the valley. He got up there and was ready for me to leave right away. The joy's of a 13 year old boy. Enjoying his freedom while he can! haha! I should mention just yesterday he came home from another week long camp. This is summer for him. Gone most of it camping with Boy Scouts. Make it some what nicer here, with him gone, because there is less fighting!

Alexandria has had a busy summer too. June, she was gone for 4 days at her camp with our church. Then this past week, spent 4 days with my dear friend while *I* went on a much needed vacation! Alexandria learned how to fully swim under the water!!! Of course she does that when i'm not around and nobody took any pictures! :( Oh well, its going to be in the low 100's here all this week and there is a lovely pool where i live. I'll be sure we get some pool time in!

Like I said above, I got a much needed vacation! Boy did I not want to come home. Spent 1 day up at Silver Lake by Kit Carson, Ca. And the next day spent it in Carmel and driving down the coast on hwy 1. Did I mention the fact I love the ocean? haha. I think my boyfriend thought he would not get me away from there at one or 2 dozen points. I know I could have stay at any of the beaches all night long and would have been just dandy with me. Much needed vacation for sure.

So its just about time to get back into the usual routines. I will have, in the next week, a 8th grader and a 4th grader. Scary as it seams, they are that old already. We go back to school and full swing with Scouts, Church, Dance and all the rest. And hopfully, by the end of this week, a new job for me! Details to come on that when they are avaiable! :)

Hope your summer is going great!

xoxo, T

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Contest, finding more

So I did it. I finished my 2 page layout for the Scrapbooking contest at our local store. I'm really hoping I win. If I do, its a chance at a gift card. There is 3 of them. Gift Cards that is. One for $75, one for $50 and one for $25. I'm really hopeful that I can win the 1st one.

Finding more... well been trying to find more work for months now. And I have nothing. No call backs, no new job, no nothing. I feel like a failure in this. I have massive job experance. Been working sense i was 17 years old. Most of the time more than one job. So not finding something is killing me. I know the jobs are just not around but there has got to be SOMETHING. Frustrating!

I also have been trying to make money by selling off things. So far no bites on that. With this month's bill looming over head, and nobody around to borrow the funds from, I have no idea how I will make it. I try to keep it all to myself. So that nobody is worring about it, like the kids and stuff. But its hard to do.

xoxo, T

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Big Trees, Silver Lake, Recital

My action packed weekend. Even though it was not a weekend.

It started on Thursday morning. We pilled into the car about 8am and headed for the hills. Very pretty hour and half drive up there. We wanted to go for a hike on the Lava Buff Trail. After we pay to get into the park, we drive to find the parking lot for the trail head. So we go for the hike and check out the great views. The boys saw a snake, and I tried to *not* see it. :) After the hike we went to the river to have lunch and did some climbing to see the mini-waterfalls. All in all, a great day.

Friday, Austin and I went up to visit friends at Silver Lake. Both cameras are with my boyfriend in his car so I had to use my cell phone to take pictures. But the pictures were great. We hiked along a river, and it was all down hill then up hill. Sooo pretty.

Sunday was Alexandria's Dance recital. After a little bit of additude at first, she was fine. She danced wonderfully... the video's can be seen here. Ballet was first and then Hip-Hop.

That was our weekend of sorts. This week the kids are at VBS each night. Austin is help and Alexandria is participating.

Not much is up and coming in the next two weeks. Hopefully the weather keeps with the warming trend and we can have lots of pool time. Enjoy the pictures and video's.

xoxo, T

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Baking cookies, action packed week

Today was a first. Alexandria left for her first ever away camp. She is a few hours north of me now, and will be back Saturday afternoon. I pray that she has a fabby time, and her and her bff get SLEEP!!!!

Me being the nice mom I try to be asked my son if he would like some chocolate chip cookies. He said yes, specially if I was going to bake them. So we got everything down to bake and come to find out we were 1/2 cup short of brown sugar. So off he went to the liquor store around the corner to get some while I wait for him to get back.

Tomorrow we are heading up to the hills for some hiking. Looks like we will hit Big Trees SP and hike there. I'll be sure to take a ton of pictures! And post about it when i get back. Friday we are going to go visit friends that are on vacation at Silver Lake. I have never been there so I want to check that place out. Saturday the girl comes home and Sunday will be her dance recital. Next week starts off VBS and then June is over pretty much.

So that is our action packed week. I'm sure I'll have lots to write about!

xoxo, T

Friday, June 12, 2009

Camp is over, life back to normal?

I thought I would be nice to give you all an update. Sense I have been pretty much MIA for a few weeks now.

My procedure that I did last thursday, i'm healing up better now. she said take it easy for 2 weeks, and of course i did not. i could not. but now i'm taking it easy. :) I go back in 1 month for a final check up and then we are set. :) after that just a yearly check.
Our final year of runing Cub Scout Day Camp is done. I cannot tell you how happy I am that i have it behind me. It took a lot out of me this year. normally i'm back to myself by now but nope. does not help that i had major allergy attack from the Cottonwood trees out there. but its done and over with. whew!!!!!

Austin is going to be home on Saturday, i dont know what time. but he comes back from NYLT. Its gonna be interesting for me to have him home. I am so sure that there will be some changes in him when he comes back. He does not go away to camp's again until july and that is for 2 weeks.

Alexandria is leaving wed. at 8am to her camp for 4 days. she is scared and excited. it will be the first time for her to go away to camp AND for that many days without me. I keep telling her she will be just fine. i dont think she believes me.... lol i'm not sure i believe me! She comes home on the following Saturday and then that sunday is ballet/hip-hop recital. THAT we all are looking forward to.

Both kids are going to VBS this year. Austin to help and boo to participate in. I need to call my neice mom and make sure she can still go too. It would be her first year! :)

So that is it from here. I'll be around more now that things have calmed down. My focuse now is on finding a job and getting the house back in order.

xoxo, T

Friday, May 22, 2009

What are your stressor's?

I'm continplating this for me. What are my stressor's? What triggers the stressed out reactions I have? I use to know, I could name off dozens of them. Now that I have eliminated those, there is still some left. But what are they?

Right now, it is the start of my camp, that I co-run with friends of mine. Its our last year. I always stress out over it. This year seams more so than before, but I think its been that way each year. Its the "in the moment" stress. Its also that each year there is something different to stress over. And I don't know quite how to react to them.

Also, I hate to ask for help. Asking for anytype of help is a stressor for me. That is one that has never left me. To me, asking/needing help is a sign of weakness. I have yet to point a finger when I started to think like that. I have tried to change that thought, but have failed so far.

And why is it that when I'm stressing, I will push people away? Yep I do that. I know I do that. Part of me has no idea why, another part thinks that if I push hard enough I will know who are those that are people that are true to me. If they stay and deal with it, then they are those that need to stay. If they are the ones that walk away... then why do I need them around when things are all roses, if they can be here when its dark and scary?

Hmm... a few others, kids not behaving, lack of income, which leads into knowing there is things I need but cannot get and refuse to ask for. Because, tying into above, its a sign of weakness for me.

What calms you down? What do you do when you are highly stressed out? I really dont have too much. Sometimes, music, writting, talking help. Sometimes reading. Right now, none of its helping. I'm losing sleep over it, i'm not hungry, i dont want to eat, but i'm forcing myself to do so, that way nobody gets mad at me for not eating. I can only force so much to do. I'm so tired of it though. There are times, like right now, I wonder is it worth all of this? Why keep doing it? What is the point? :sigh: I dont have the answers.

xoxo, T

Saturday, May 16, 2009

The spa day....

um.. spa day.... The facial was great cept i think i was allergic to something cuz my face itched all day yesterday. that was relaxing to have it done. now the massage... NOT RELAXING at all. omg... it was like she was touching me with a feather. the rest of the day was good. Boy friend picked me up, then we went to pick up kids. dropped them off at home and he took me to stockton and got me 2 new books and jamba juice.
We then came home and layed out by the pool for a while and read. then upstairs and took a nap. he took care of the kids the whole time. yea me!! lol
after all that he made dinner (bbq steak, corn on the cob and pasta), and we watched a movie.
So it was a good day, just not the part that was to be the best part was not. :sigh: But all in all it was good and that is all that counts. :)

xoxo, T

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The best laid plans...

Are sometimes the ones not so well layed. Sometimes you think you have it all worked out in your head. You know to achive a goal you put in front of yourself, you must go route "A". But sometimes life gets in the way. So what do you do? Do you wait till life is done and you can continue on with route "A" or do you make up a new route.

See then the problem with the new route is there is a greater risk. And how bad do you want this goal? is the greater risk worth the end result? Can you truely know that the greater risk will happen? Why is it that we do not have the looking glass to see when you are at a fork in the road to see which way is the best way to turn?

Sometimes you just need to go the route less traveled. The one that may have greater risk but usually with greater risk there is a great reward at the end. You just need to be sure that you want it bad enough to jump in.

So yeah, those are the thoughts that are currently running thru my mind. I'm not saying that route "a" or "b" is the better. there could even be other options out there. But you dont know this. I dont know this. Because the looking glass is not there at all. So you walk in faith, not by sight. Have the faith in your ablity to achieve whatever goal you put in front of you and know that end the end, it is worth it.

Just a bit of wisdom....

xoxo, T

Saturday, May 9, 2009

I am now 30...

And I dont feel any different than before. haha. Cept when my bff son says "stop texting your boyfriend you 30 year old woman!" now that just sounded weird to me.

Life is about to get crazy busy. This is my last year helping run a local Cub Scout camp. Our 5th and final year and i could not be happier on that. So for the next month or so I'll try to post when i can (i set up my computer to remind me) but we'll see. If i get sleep this year i'll be happy.

So bf got me a great present. Spa day... never had that before. Going this coming friday so i guess i'll blog about that after its over. I am hoping between now and then to pick up a new book so i can read it after i get home. :)

Other than those things, life is going good. Austin's grades are raised up. Boo is going good with school as well. They are out of school in just a few short weeks. and then summer hits.

xoxo, T

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The way things can change

Wow. So a week ago I was feeling bad about myself. Only had a handful of people coming to my birthday party (sounds so freaking childish now!) and was upset that nobody else was coming. Well their loss. Because it was a fab party and with fab friends. They know how to make me laugh, relax and have a great time which is what I did. Here is the pictures from the party.

So tomorrow is my actual birthday. I'm okay with it right now. Its just another day right? I'm just going to be another year older. I heard that people start taking you more serously once you hit 30. We'll see.

A short blog today, as I do have a lot of things I need to get done today. More I'm sure I'll do at a later time. Enjoy the pictures!

xoxo, T

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Ever feel like you have a complex?

I do. More often than not lately.

See, I'm turning the big 3-0 in a week. Yep 7 days. So with some strong encouragment from very well meaning friends, I am throwing my own birthday party. Mind you, I dont do parties. The last one I had for my birthday was when I turned 8 years old. And there was a clown. A scary clown. NOT a good party for me. So anyways, I don't have birthday partys at all mostly because nobody ever shows up. So its setting myself up for a big dissapointment. And i dont deal well with that. Maybe because i have had too much of it in my short lifetime. I dont know. Its to late to analize that fact.

Back to the point. I planned a party, Movie/Hollywood theme because I have this mad love of movies and anything dealing with stuff like that. I invite pretty much everyone that I know. Over 150 people. Probely closer to 200. Out of that many people, I have 10 counting me coming. Last few things I have had, pretty much the same people show up, all the rest bail.

So I got a complex that people dont like me. Why come to anything that *I* put on because its bound to be whatever they are thinking. Add to the coffin is that I had a Job interview on Monday, 2ed one with this one company. I did not get the job. I had one today, dont know if i got the job or no. That i'll find out by the end of the week. And the fact that I cannot find anyone to watch my daughter for my party.

There are times i serously think that there is something wrong with me. that maybe everyone is just nice to my face but think something totally different about me behind my back. I use to not care. Now I do. I dont know why but i do. I value what others (most) think and say about me. I want to be valued as a person and well liked. And after the last few weeks, I dont think that i am. So I am saying I have a complex. And one that i'm not getting over that quickly.

Upside is that I am having a birthday party. I have 10 really great people coming to help me celebrate, one of them being my very sweet boyfriend. And yes, that does sound SOOOOOOO weird coming from me. And while i'm at it, when you are in your 30's and you are dating someone is it still boyfriend/girlfriend or is it called something else? hmmm... a few things to think over.

Till next time......
xoxo, T

Monday, April 13, 2009

Easter weekend is done

Well here is something good. We had a great weekend. Not like I did not think we wouldn't but I did not think *I* would enjoy it as much as I did.

Saturday started off with dropping off Alexandria at one of her really good friend's birthday party. Then we, Austin, bf and me, went to have lunch and then hit the mall. Spent about hr or so in the book store there. I love books! :) anyways went back and picked up Boo.

From there we drove up to the foothills to go to Daffodil Hill. Well they should have still been open, but they had closed for the season. So from there we just went for a drive up in gold country. Up hwy 49 there is a lookout point. I dont remember the name of the bridge/body of water, but its pretty there. We took a few shots of the flowers, kids playing around, and the water. We ended up driving up there for hours.

Sunday, Easter Sunday, we left about 8am to drive to the coast. Course *I* miss the turn off so we had do go the way *I* did not want to go. I just laugh and say that I had missed the drive the Melanie and I went on last year. So after driving way too long we got to the beach. :sigh: heaven! Took a few shot, hit the beach and more pictures. Walked along the beach and found some tide pools in the rocks. Found a few starfish (thrilled boo to no end). Then we left to continue on to Pigion Point.

I found out where their tide pools are, and will have to go back again (perhaps stay there) and check them out at low tide. Then we went down to the beach there. The kids had a blast playing in the water. I just enjoyed being there. The waves were nice. Not as calm as the last time but not too bad too. Boo loved being in her bathing suit and playing in the water. Austin never really saw me taking pictures till the very end. Here is the link to all the pictures so far.

All and all it was a really great day. Until the next time.....

xoxo, T

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Excitement coming up!

Well we are nearly settle in. Woohoo. Now for Easter weekend. We are heading out of town for the weekend. Remember last summer when we went camping? And we went to that nice lighthouse for the beach? We are going back there for Easter Sunday! So excited. Austin has not been there and boo has. And right now is whale watching time too. So it should be a good Sunday. I'll post pics and blog on it sometime early next week.

Just wanted to come and share a bit of excitment!

xoxo, T

Saturday, April 4, 2009

A re-direction...

So last night was a bit of a change. One should never drink when one is upset. add to that one should not blog, email, txt or call people when one is upset and drinking. I toasted last night to the past, I guess you could call it. Now to move on to the future.

What will the future hold? Happyness, love, hope, faith and all of the amazingness we call life. Move on and move forward. Continue on being the better part of me and burry the not so great. Love life and embrace it.

Each day, each moment one can grow stronger or weaker. I choose stronger. To make it in the world out there you need to be strong, and I mean to make it. Those that choose not to accept can move on. I want the ultiment happyness. And I will have it.

One word of wisdom... follow the golden rule, Treat others as you wish to be treated. Also, be the friend that you want others to be to you.

xoxo, T

Friday, April 3, 2009

a bunny trail...

If you manage to read all of what I write and it makes some sense, let me know. I'll bake you some cookies or some treat that you request. Because I need to know what is in my head makes sense. For me.

I do not even know where to start this. So I will start with today and go where ever my mind leads.

The kitten, our newest additon to this house, died today. That in itself is tragic. Having to tell my daughter that her pet (even though it was mine) died once she got out of school was one of the hardest things I had to do. It hurts, but it is just another block for me. I do everything I can to protect the kids. And some days, weeks, months or even years I fail at it. Today was just another one of those days.

But the kitty dying was the icing for me. Tonight it hit hard. Not just the kitty, but in the last 3 years there has been so many changes in my life. I have just rolled with them. Kept being strong and just riding the ride. Just put one more thing on me and I can do it.

Let me just bare my soul here for a minute. Why do I think I am not good enough. Let see, kids, yes they are fabby kids on the most part, but i feel like i fail them because they don't have what they should. Yes, i know you cannot get what all you want in life, but damn it, *I* had a crappy childhood. I'm the first to say it. I do not want the same for my kids. And in some ways, I feel like that is what I give them.

Jobs... they come and they go. I swear that there are days that people just dont like me. I'm to damn set in my ways, too opinionated. I keep saying I'm flexable, and I am to some point. But why is it that when i really want to be i cannot? I set myself up to fail. And that is what i feel like i do in work. why? i dont know.

family... the ones i'm cut off from. Well let see. when i was 16 years old one 1/2 of my family decided sense i could get pregnate and, God forbid, keep the kid, i should not have anything to do with them. so bamm... cut off. I get to read, i kid you not, in the freaking news paper that my grandmother dies (mind you this is like 3 years ago). IN THE FREAKING PAPER! of all things. I dont really believe it because why the hell wouldn't someone call me. Oh yeah, i'm not good enough to be in their "family". Moving on... my mothers side of the family. Yeah... stealing, drug dealing abusive brother. Abusive grand parents. User of a mother. And I cut us off from all of them in the last year. Because its for the best. And that I know. But it hurt the kids, when they were around and now that they are not. How did i turn out the way i did? who the hell knows.

Life changes in the blink of an eye. People come and go. And it seams to me more go than those that stay. Part of it is choices i have made... part of it is shit that happens beyond my control. Why do I have control issues.. that I do know. because if i can control what is going on around me the less i can get hurt. There i have said it. I have admitted more on here with that than i have to another person before in my life. Why is it so hard to just let go? Because with letting go... the pain is soon to follow. And i dont deal with pain. I dont cry (yet i sit here and i cannot stop the tears from 3 years building up from flowing down my face).

why is life so hard? why cant it be the fairtale that i grew up wishing that i could have? why is it every minute of every day i think i'm not good enough to do anything in my life that is worth anything? why is it that the pain i'm feeling right now hurts more than not breathing? why is it that i'm okay sharing it on here and not with anyone that I *know* cares about me? why is it much easier for me to put on the act, smile and say all is alright than to be honest with those around me? why is it that i cannot bring my self to even ask anyone for the simplest things as a hug?

Because its too much and it opens up the crack that cannot be patched back up. I say to a dear friend tonight in an email that i cannot keep being the strong person everyone knows and loves. That i have taken all i can and there is nothing left. How many times have i been to this point and just moved on? How many more times do i need to go there? And why is it that i cannot just take life, love and happyness and run with it and not care what comes my way?

So a kitten dies... and i lose my mind. or at least part of it. But I know where to find it tomorrow. here. on this blog. We'll see how long I leave it up.

xoxo, T

Thoughts on reading....cuz you know i got those!

One of my most favorite things to do is read. I will read anybook at least one time. Most of the time, I will read it over and over again if it good enough and recommend it to others. So in the last few weeks there has been all this rush over "Twilight". Have I read it? Nope. Am I going to? Not likely.

See I look at it this way, I have read Anne Rice. Vampire Queen, in my opinion. And there is nothing else when it comes to that subject that I'm willing to read unless its her work. She is a great author and the stories sing to me. Right now I'm in the current process of re-reading them. I'm on book 3 already "Queen of the Damned" and one of the better books in my opinion. If you have not read them, yes I HIGHLY recommend you do so.

Today I hit up the local used book store. I turned in a bunch of books and they gave me $19.50 store credit. Well I spent that quickly there and 50 cents more! I got 6 books out of the deal though! 3 of them V. C. Andrews, 2 Nora Roberts and 1 Phillipa Gregory. And even though I'm reading my Anne Rice book, I'm so tempted to put it down for my new Phillipa Gregory book. Its one I have YET to read!

My taste in books change all the time. I have to be in a certain mood to read some books. Other times I just need to be bored to pick one up. If I know I have nothing to do the next day or if I really cannot sleep, I can put away 2 books in one night.

Take "The Other Boleyn Girl". That book is 664 pages long. Took me 3 hours to read it. And yes, I could give you a book report on it if you would like. Or any of Sharon Souza's books... Really great author and good friend of mine. You should pick one of them up! Just google her name and you should be able to find her.. :) If not, leave me a comment and I'll hook ya up! lol

So to end this wandering post.. What are you reading right now? Or what is a good book/author you would recommend to me? And if you haven't read in a while... go pick up a book.. go someplace new and explore! And then come back and let me know how it goes!

xoxo, T

Monday, March 30, 2009

I am so lax lately

Well it does not help that between all the upheavel in my life in the last 6 months, I have not had time to write. But here it is, nearly 1am and I am here.

Kids go back to school tomorrow. This last 2 weeks were the last vacation for them before the end of school. Which means that I am back on call again. Lets hope and pray I *do* get called in. I need the work. But as school starts back up again, life goes back to a routine. A new one however.

Life changes so quickly when you are not looking for it to change. I keep saying I had been looking for my personal life to have a change but really I was not. I was just out to "date" because everyone said it was past time. But I honestly thought it was not going to work out. To be very blunt, my few but fellow readers, I never have thought I was good enought to be with someone. 2 failed marrages, several failed long term relationships. Looking back on it now, its a lesson, a hard one, but one I went thur. So what, out of that, could possabley possess me to want to date and be seriouse about it? I really thought that nothing would ever come of it. I have loved and lost, and I had thought that would have been the end. Yet, I was wrong. Grant it, we are still in somewhat of the "honeymoon" phase...but I am enjoying it. I have never trusted someone so quickly or so completely this fast. I have never had someone accept me for me, no act, no need to put on the show/song and dance. JUST ME. And yes, it takes my breathe away sometimes.

So no, I was not ready for that to happen. I still question myself, if *I* am good enough for him? But that is my own thing. Its partly to do with my past and how I had been raised. But it does help to know, every time those doubts run thru my head, I get a text from him. Just simply saying "I love you." and that is enough for me to be okay.

Like I said, a new routine. Its a hard ajustment for me. I have been single, for the better part of my adult life. Its hard for me to bring someone in and allow them to do the things that I should do. Its hard for me to accept help, no matter what the kind it is or where it comes from. Its even harder for me to ASK for help. Oh and did I mention, its hard for me to share. That last one is one I'm force to work on each day!

I have finally came to terms that I am okay with being done with my extended family. I have not been happier than I have been in the last few months. I never saw how much weight they put on me, their bitterness and hate they have all around them. I am free and I do not pretend to be anyone but me.

And tomorrow.. March 31... My baby girl will be 9 years old. Time sure does fly when you are not paying any attention to it. I remember being pregnate with her, and I remember holding her in my arms the first time. And now she is growing all up. Becoming more and more beautiful every day.

Oh and one last thing... we added a new addition to our family. A kitten. Her name is Roxxy Bella. Grey/white kitty with an amazing personality already. She is only just over 1 month old and we all just love her very much!

I'll end on that one and I will make a point to come back more often. Just set myself a reminder to post!

xoxo, T

Friday, March 13, 2009

Do you believe in Love at first sight?

I have always said I did but have never experanced it. I have always said it takes time for love to form and grow. As we all know I choose to start dating... and its been interesting to say the least. I have meet a few guys... mostly because I am so very picky. The few (3) that I have met were just not *right* for me. Until now.

Now the one I have met, is right. I know this. I feel this with every bit of me. I knew it the minute I saw him. Walk into the book store that I was in...and just hugged me right away. I smile still at the thought of this. My heart quickly skipped up, and I just melted in his arms. But I did try so hard not to show it. We went and had lunch... talked the whole time. Back to the book store and, well, a guy that buys me a book (which I so need to read) is just walking right into my heart. We had fun. I cannot explain very well what it is... that I feel or anything. I just feel it. And I'm running with it.

Back to the question... do you believe in Love at first sight? Or falling head over heels in love within days of meeting? Share you love story in the comments...

xoxo, T

Thursday, March 5, 2009

opps! what happens when life gets in the way

Wow! I did not relise that I have not been here sense Jan. Okay so my date... he was a great guy.. that never called after that night. Shame on him. And his loss!!! lol

So I'm writting you from my NEW condo!!! Yep, I moved. A wonderful little 2 bedroom condo that i love. Well I have only been here sense monday, but i still love it. because i have my own room. Yep i did what i said i would not do, kids have their room shared and me my own! and i'll tell you what, its working well.

I'm still working on the whole dating thing. It comes and goes in spurts... We'll see if i can ever find one worth keeping!

Working, yep, little bit at time. Looking still for a 2nd job, and i know its out there. Oh and i have been sick. Doc said bed rest. well, that is hard to do when your job hunting, moving and taking care of 2 kids. Some humor the doc had.

that is it on me. I'll be back more reg. now that i'm back to time on my hands!

xoxo, T

Thursday, January 15, 2009

dipping my toe into the dating world....

i'm asking for prayers on this. I'm meeting someone. A guy. tomorrow night. for coffee. yes he is a christian. he goes to a baptist church. he lives less than 20 min from me. owns his own house, a car, jeep and motocycle. I have seen pictures of him, and he is really good looking. we have been talking on the phone for about a week. we click really well. I like everything i have seen/heard so far.
BUT.... im freaking out. after last years feasco into dating i'm freaking out. i'm scared he looks nothing like his pictures and is extreamly over weight and ugly or something. missing teeth... oh i dont know. you all know i have an overactive immagination. its in over drive right now.
We are meeting at starbucks. 730pm ish. i'll post when i get home but oh Lord, pray for me. that im calm by then and look freaking GOOD and that he looks like his pictures. and that all the rest falls into place. ALSO please pray that if it does work out that i can find someplace for the kids to go overnight friday night so we can do a dubble date at a hockey game.
thanks. and i love you guys. and i know you'll pray.
ps... some one come here and hold my freaking hand. just jump on a plain and do it. :)
pps... please?
ppss.. i'm crazy right?
pppss.. dont answer that.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Back to school we all go....

Break is over. Its 2009. Time for school. Or that is what I'll be saying at 7am when the alarms go off for me to get up and get the kids going. How exciting. Half of 7th grade and 3rd grades are over. I start school too! 1/2 of my BS in Education is over! Now all I have left to take in classes are the HARD classes. Like New Tes. History. At least it will get me reading and studding the bible in a better and productive way.

I'm applying to work at starbucks down the street from where we are currently staying. I need to bring in more money ($80 a month is not going to pay off bills and get us back in our own place) so i'm going there. A friend of mine works at one in stockton and i use to work at one. My friend told me that i can get 20 hrs and have the work hours being when the kids are in school. Which right now, is a must. As I dont have day care and they are not old enought to be home alone for long periods of time.

Tomorrow I have a ton of errans to run, and my roommate is going with me. Makes it a little less painful for the running around to do, when someone is with you. Oh and on the totally not serouse side... One Tree Hill and Gossip Girl are back on tonight!!!! And Grey's starts back on Thursday. woohoo!!!

On that note... c-ya!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Happy New Year... No Resolutions here

That's because I don't do resolutions. Because each time that I had made one, I did not keep it and then I felt more let down and make me not want to do it again. So now I do goals.

My Goal's for 2009.

1. Get all bills paid off.
2. Save money for our own place AND put money in a rainy day fund.
3. Work hard at work and school.
4. Compleate with good grades 8 classes this year to my degree.
5. Get a 2ed job or better pay/hours at my current job.
6. Be a better mom and friend.
7. Work on being more healthy.
8. work on being truely happy (any pointers here?)
9. Be more honest
10. Say NO more

And that is my goal's for this year. I'll update as I complete them, when I do.

xoxo, T