Changes and more choices

that is all that seems that I am facing. I hate changes and choices. I know that its needed in life...but it does not mean that I have to like it.

There is just so much going on. I feel like everything is spinning outta control. I'm standing in the middle of the room and unable to breathe. I dont like feeling this way. So its time to take control right?

Step 1: Quit the night job. I feel hella guilty for quitting then I think about how much I personally do not like this job. How badly my heart broke when my little girl said she misses her mommy. How little bit of sleep I get every weekend. How I do not have a day "off" to relax. No, I dont need this job. So I will quit after tonight.

Step 2: take a day off for me. that will be happening next friday. I'm going to get off work and head to the coast. I have booked a hotel room in Bodega Bay. I havent been there in ages. My room has a view of the ocean, you can open the window and hear it. Every time I think about that I just want to get in the car and go now. I'm craving that freedom and the chance to relax. may even pamper myself while I'm there. We'll see. Just to know I dont have anything to do but relax sounds like heaven.

Step 3: ........ I dont know beyond this point. I think I'll know what step three is when I finish off step 2. At least that is what I'm hoping for.

I do know this: This weekend has been hell. everyone is coming down sick, I have not got enough sleep, I forgot about some commitments I was to do. and a bunch of other stuff. I know that Wednesday will be hell on earth for me. Probley one of the worst days of my life. My baby girl is going to have dental sergery done. 13 teeth have issues. 4 of which have to be pulled. She will be given a medication to knock her out so she will have no memorie of this. But I will. I can still remember both times something like this happened to Austin. And those cries and screams still haunt me to this day. Now I'll have them for Boo too.

I feel fragle. Raw and too emotional. I need to heal up some wounds. I need to find my inner strenght again. I need to remember that the only one I can ever count on is me. Because when it comes right down to it, *I* am the only one that is never changing and never leaving. I need to find the fun part of me again. That part got burry so long ago, I'm not sure it can be found. But I'm going to look. I just know that when that part of me is found, that some people are going to judge and walk away. And too bad on them. That is their choice and not mine.

There is much more to say... and more to be said in coming days. But for now I end this. I should be sitting here and working on my school paper. But I cannot focus on that right now. I will soon.

xoxo, T