Monday, March 29, 2010

Ever try to find something...

and have the hardest time finding it. Its been that way for me for a few months now. See I live in the middle of Wine Country in CA. And one of the more popular winerys is Michael David's. I will always know it at Phillips Farms but hey, gotta try to go by what they call it, right?

So anyways, a while back they annouced they were changing the label on their 7th Heavenly Chard. Label of which I love! So sense then I have been on a hunt for the old label bottle. How hard that has been to find. A friend of mine grows grapes for them, so the first place I look? I ask them to pick one up. Hmmm, the WINERY has none left. Drat!

They say check some of the local stores. I check, and check and check. For MONTHS. Today I gave it one last shot. The last store I go into.... there it was!!! How happy am I that I found it. I did not buy it to drink, I bought it because of the lable... something I never do. But its pretty. SEE :)

Sometimes its the little things in life that make you happy and can make a day... for me, buying this wine bottle was it for me. Next up, building a wine rack...

xoxo, T

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Slow week...

a slow week is never good for me. Because it leads to projects and me thinking. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my friends. And how a lot of them are there when its good for them, not when needed/wanted. How some friends can be there thru everything and others come and go as they please. I'm the first type, or at least I'd like to think I am. Sadly, a lot I know are the latter type. And even more sadly, my daughter is finding out this at the age of near 10yo.

This past weekend she was to have a birthday party. Invited friends weeks ahead. Nobody showed up. That hurt here a lot. Not a call or anything. Grant it, the party was nearly 2 weeks before her actual birthday. But that is what would work best for our schedule. So she was very sad with that. But at the same time she was happy because one of my dear friends, came over with her family and made the evening better. Then the next 2 days other friends of mine helped make it better.

There are times in everyones life that show you who is a really good friend and who are just friends. I have had my fair share of those times. And now its starting for her. Hopefully, starting this young, will help toughing up the skin on her...because mine is not tough enough for it not to hurt me.

xoxo, T

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Break-Up

I had a call tonight from a good friend. She had been going out with the same guy for 2 years. Which seams like a lifetime now days when most relationships last maybe 2 weeks. So she calls me to tell me this happen. Being the good friend that I am (or try to be) I listen to all that she had to say. I do agree with her when she said she had no idea this was coming. They had a good relationship. They had open communication, they were friends. On paper, everything was just as it should be. I honestly thought the call I'd be getting next from her would have been "we are engaged!!!" But alas, that is not to happen. His reason.... he is not ready for a relationship. Really?!?!?! It took 2 years for him to figure this out?!?!? (that was my reaction) We are not getting any younger here people.

After I had got off the phone with her, after listening and giving the comforting words I could, I started to think about my past relationships. Or my "what could have been's". I have done a fair share of breaking up and being broken up with. Its always been so much easier on me to break up with someone, than to be broken up with. But I think that is the same for all the rest of the people out there.

You go thru things, such as break ups and make ups for reasons. There is a lesson to be learned in each. I have been told I havent learned mine yet sense I cannot find the guy of my dreams yet. Haha! Which leads me to the next topic at hand with this subject. Every break up leads to a new make up... as in making up with someone new!

What is my wish list... or more like my must haves because i'm overly picky about a guy i'm dating or thinking about dating. I have my must that have to be met before I will even think about going out. Mostly because I have dated enough guys out there to know what I dont want and I DO NOT have to settle for ANYTHING less.
So my musts are; be taller than me. Not by a whole lot but like 5'7 or taller... that way I can wear my heels and not feel bad. Funny, honest, kind, likes kids (big duh there cuz i'm a solo mom), likes country music, the outdoors as well as the indoors. Has his own life and will let me be in mine, but have time for eachother. I need to feel attracted to that person too. Fit, not overweight. Can manage to keep up with me.

Anyone find this guy, have him contact me. Cuz I have yet to meet him....and i'm not getting out much to do so either! All those that are single out there... take a brutal look at your life. See what you like, look for what you like, dont take ANYTHING less than what you deserve!

xoxo, T

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Little things in life...

It is amazing how some things, which are so little to others, or even to ourselves are such big things sometimes. And sometimes the big things seem so little. I cannot tell you how many times friends will come up to me, telling me about the little things in their lives bug them. And how they seem so big but after talking to me they are so small. And why is it that after they talk with me they dont seem so big. Guess its some affect I have.

There are days that I can amaze myself. I can be so damn brutely honest with other people but when it comes to myself, and any issues I have, I choose to ignore it. Its so much easier that way for me. I do expected my friends to be honest to me though. I give what I expect back. And there are times that I have been and will be dissapointed in that but I will deal with it. One thing I have learned over the years is how to bounce back from anything.

Being the strong person in life is a hard thing to do. Doing what it takes to make it from one day to the next is hard to do. If it was not for the chances I would be hard to do. So I choose to jump at things that strike me as fun, exciting. I choose to take risks and live my life because if I did not, I would have to live a very boring and dull life. And that... I just dont know how to do.

I feel like I have came so far in a year's time. Giving up my family, and starting to do the things I truely love in life. Some days are hard, some days are easy... but at least I'm finally living a LIFE I am enjoying. And the little things in life are very little indeed...

xoxo, T

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Freedom Trip

How many figured out that after I posted the last blog about Restlessness that I was packing my stuff to leave that morning to go on my trip to the beach? I know one person did, because I got a text from her that morning asking if she could come along with. Sadly she had other plans that prevented that :( but I did go anyways.

Started off by taking the kids to school and telling them when they get home to call, but if it goes right to VM that they are to call M and let her know too (friend/babysitter). Then I hit the gas station and starbucks! Then the road. I did not know for sure where I was going to end up yet, but a beach on the California Coast was the end point. That is a LOT of choices for sure. So I hit I-5 and headed South. I could have taken 205 to 580 but I felt like dodging traffic so I kept with going south...
I hit HWY 152 exit and I knew a way to get to the Pacific from there so I took off there. I had been on the road for about 1.5 hours at this point and was feeling better as the miles went by. I had managed to call a friend and let her know I would not be by that day because I was on the road outta town. Its amazing how things work when you know your on your way to someplace you enjoy being at. I had the music turned up, and was just cruzing along. I was amazed on how green everything was! Every time I have drove that streach of road before it was mid to late summer and it was always so dry and brown. It was very nice to see the bright green hills and the blue sky.

Amazingly enough I managed NOT to get lost at all!!! Step in the right direction for me for sure. About 20 minutes outside of Gilroy there was this smallish hill you drive up (winding road) and then head back down. Well while heading back down I had to stop because of a mud slide. I look out between the trees and see the ocean. I was so happy to see that sight. There was NO fog, it was SUNNY.

I finish winding my way to the ocean (took about 30 more minutes) and hit the first beach I came to. Which was Moss Landing State Beach. If you have never been... I'll just say I highly reccomend it. But as one of my best friends said, "I dont think you have EVER been to a beach that you DONT highly reccomend to anyone". Sorry, cant help that I love the ocean and the beach. It is just so beautiful. And I love seeing things that are beautiful. And taking pictures of them. Plus the ocean is amazing, it calms me down and gives me the strenght I need to make it thur anything that comes my way. When I feel down, or super stress I head to the ocean because of that. Its magical in that sence for me.

Anyways, I get there and have to climb the sand dunes to get to the actual beach. As soon as I got to the top and I saw and heard the ocean, I gasped! The waves crashing was phonomal! I havent seen such large swells like that in years. I had came ready for cold day and wind, and I was plesently suprised with sun, next to no wind and about 70 degrees.

I spent the day there, never left till I knew I had to. I hiked about 1 mile north of the beach to a peace of drift wood that was somewhat dry and sat there for about an hour just soaking in the sun and the sounds. Taking pictures here and there of different things. Then I decided to head to the rocks (after EVERYONE is telling me to stay away from rocks, yes I headed right to them anyways)... It was a nice little jetty of rocks that people were fishing off of. So sense there was people fishing, I figured it had to be safe right?

After hiking another 3 miles or so to the jetty, I get there. The only sign I saw (and it was nearly gone) said "Rocks slippery when wet". Well Duh! So I was careful, did the testing of each rock before I put full weight on it. None were moving and I was staying sorta to the middle of the jetty. I got a bit too cocky and stopped testing. BAD IDEA. I slipped on a slightly loose rock and my foot managed to find a hole. OUCH! I knew for sure I hurt something, but I would NOT let that stop me from my day. It never fails I will explore something and get hurt, but guess what? Life is about taking risks and chances. I choose to live life to the fullest.

Sense I did actually hurt myself, I choose not to go any futher. I sat there and took a picture of my friend, the hole that hurt my foot.

Then I went on and took pictures of the different things that were near by.

Molly was  a bird (not sure what kind) that came up to me and  posed for pictures, then she was nailed by a wave. (heehee and i missed that shot!)
I made friends with two Otters, Moe and Curly. They came up to me and were poseing for pictures.

Yes, I call them friends because they are nice animals and they need names. Wherever I ever go, I end up finding animals and they get nammed. Happens EVERY place that I go. Can't help it. And besides it makes for a fun story.

While I was busy taking pictures off the boats and such, a wave came up and kissed my backside (not nice! because I did not pack a change of clothes!). I look at that part of the beach/ocean and saw that the tide was coming in and figured it best to head back to where my car is while I still could without getting totally soaked. which sorta worked. The water kept coming up pretty darn close to me and hit me a few times. But I managed to dry off pretty well.

I left the beach after being there for about 4 or 5 hours, sunburnt and totally happy! I was more than happy to stay there longer but my tummy told me it wanted food and I sure did not pack any! I drove up to Santa Cruz thinking to eat there, but not much was open that I wanted to eat. Kind of was sad because for ONCE I was in Santa Cruz, had NO KIDS and could have went on the rides and they were not open. Such a let down. I have never done that before so I would have liked to. Another time.

Sense I did not find anything to eat there, I decided to start heading home. As I drove, I kept an eye out for SOMEPLACE to eat at. Most everything that was open was Seafood and I cannot have that, so I kept on driving. Finally when I hit Gilroy again I found a shopping center that had a lot of choice. I choose not to eat at anyplace we have over in my home town and ended up at Famous Dave's. Oh. My. Gosh!!! That is a place to eat at if you love BBQ!!! I was so spoiled there it was not even funny.

The waitress said because it was my first time there I had to do the sause test. Mind you I'm not overly fond of BBQ sauce... but I did it anyways. Yummy!!!

After that, my food came. I got all of this food for $14!!! Oh and did I mention they carry PEPSI there? That alone gets 4 stars.

After that I got back into the car wondering if I could actually make the drive home. I was in a food coma, so much good food in a very short time. But it was so worth it.

My day of freedom had came, and I feel better for it. I have had a lot of people call me crazy for going alone, but that is okay. I am so use to being alone and to be very honest with you, I enjoy the beach alone. Would it be nice to go with somebody, yes. But i'm totally okay going alone. And I found my joy again. I found my peace. I found my strenght to keep going forward. And that alone was priceless to me.

There has been so many times people have said, with all the trouble I have gone thur, "Why dont you move out of state where its less costly to live?" My answer has always been because  I love California. Which is true. But honestly, I could not ever leave. Because there is no other state that comes close to offering what CA has, and I need my beach and ocean time.

xoxo, T

Thursday, March 4, 2010


There are times where restlessness seams to rule my life. It creeps up on me...and then it soon consumes me. I'm a person that by my own definition, a very stable, straight-forward, nearly perdictable person. I have schedules, and lists. I stick by them. But I usually make sure I schedule out free time. Well I get so busy with everything, I tend to forget about free time. And when that happens the restlessness sets in.

Little signs come. Like wanting to get away sometime soon. Or needing a  drive to someplace, any place. And then the little urges become biger...and biger... until the only thing I can think of is to do something. I'm at that point now. I HAVE to do something. Its no longer a want, its a need. I cannot go forward without getting rid of my current restlessness. Its crazy sometimes but it makes me feel crazy.

I have the plan to go on Monday to the beach...or the coast at least. But that seams so darn far away. I'm thinking of possably going tomorrow. Or friday. Who knows. but the point is that I'm going. I hope, that like every time before, that just the trip and seeing/hearing the ocean will get rid of this restlessness i feel. And it makes everything better. because i can use an "everything is better" moment.

Restless is not able to rest, relax, or be still...for me that is just not a physical thing... but mental and emotional thing. Luckly for me there is a cure!

xoxo, T

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The differance between Love and Lust...

is hard to see. Most of the time. Sometimes its crystal clear. Others, its a foggy as San Fransico on a cool winter day.  While I'm trying to figure out the differance between the two, I took the time to look up how they are defined.
Love: strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b : an assurance of love

In the viewpoint I'm going for here, we will use number 2 and 3. 

Lust: 1 obsolete a : pleasure, delight b : personal inclination : wish 2 : usu. intense or unbridled sexual desire : lasciviousness 3 a : an intense longing : craving b : enthusiasm, eagerness

For the viewpoint in this, all apply.

My version of both is Love is something that overwhelmes every part of  you, your senses, your thoughts, your desires... Its nearly tangable. Lust can sometimes play that trick, but after the "moment" is said and done, the feelings are gone and  your left empty again. And that is how you can readly tell the differance. At least to me. 

There are times where I thought I was in love... the honeymoon phase. The first few weeks of meeting someone.... the first date...the 5th date... all roses and what not. But during this time of getting to know you, you dont have the heart to heart talks... you dont talk the truths, wants, desires. You gloss over eachothers flaws. Which makes the relationship turn bad from the start. for some. I'm not saying this to say that all relationships turn this way... this is just my view. Take it or leave it. 

I was talking with my friend today and we were talking about things I have been thru... Did you know I have been cheated on in EVERY relationship I have been in? Including BOTH my marrages? People that know this wonder why I'm not jaded... but they dont see that I am. I'm so choosey... it takes sooooo much for me to let ANYONE in, and even more so if your a guy. 

I look back at all my relationships and see where things could have went better. One, I need to NOT jump in right away. Just because it feels good for a few weeks... does not mean "Wow, this is it". Its lust. period. Wait a few months...and see if you still feel the same...Can you tell your SO your deepest fears, or your hopes and dreams? Without worry about what they will think? That your just telling them because that is what you want, and you fear no judgement from them? After you hit the, say 5 months mark, Do you still feel the same that you felt in month one?

I have 1 very good friend of mine. She and her husband have been married for 20 years now. I look up to them in many ways and respect them so much for all that they have done, been thur and will go thru. They have that love in their relationship that lasts. That is something that I would love to have. But my reality tells me that the books dont have it for me. I accept that. I'm not crossing it off the list, but I am okay if it does not happen. 

Lust is fun...for the  time that you have it. Love is lasting and that is what matters...what lasts. Not often will you find me quoting the bible, but with this I must, it is one of my fave passages I have ever heard:

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV) "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

That is what love really is. And I will not settle for anything less.

xoxo, T

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

and the story goes...

Feb is always a busy month for me. Every year that comes by and Feb. rolls around its crazy busy, the shortest month of the year and the busiest. And that is saying a lot for me. It seams the month just starts and then in a blink of an eye its over... and I'm left wondering where it went to. This year its no different. I went this whole month without a single blog post! I'm pretty sure I did the same last year as well.

This year that month was filled with extreame joy and extreame sadness. I'm still not really ready to go into it all on here...or to all that know me. Most that are close, know what happened and why. They know enough. And I'm going to let it go at that. We shall see what the rest of this year will bring.

I remember a year ago... I was living at one of my best friends house, getting ready to move into the place I live now. Talking with this one guy, I would later date, and be stompped all over with that relationship. Having no idea, a year latter things were much the same, and yet... so different. Its amazing on how many things can change in a year's time, yet stay the same.

I feel like this year is a year of growing for me. In many different ways. Its been just over a year that I cut ties with my family, and in many ways I feel and am a totally different person now. Can I say I'm truely happy with this person I am now? Nope. But will I get there? Yes. I'm on that road now. Its not easy, let me tell you. But its moving.

In this last week, and really the last few days, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Always a scary thing for anyone that knows me. Because usually, my thinking turns into action...and some dont like that. There is so much that I want to do with my life. The older I get, the more I see where I can make change to make the life long dreams and goals to happen. I want better for my kids than I had. They will have that "better" life, one I could/can only dream of at this point.

This year marks the year my daugher turns 10 years old (this month actually) and the year my son turns 15 years old. Wow!! Who knew that this year would come so quickly? Here I am, nearly 31 years old and 1/2 my life I have spent being a parent. I have 8 years left of being a parent with kids at home... Scary thought! But at the same time its exhilarating... I'm growing and my kids are too. It gives a whole new light about growing up with your kids.

In my love life/dating life... well I dont know where that is going. I know where I would love it to go, but I dont have that crystal ball to see into the future to find out for sure. And all that I can do is wait and hope. Pray that I catch that break I so readly have earned, and have true happness for once. And let it last. I read this saying recently "Its hard to wait around for something you know may never happen...but its even harder when you know its EVERYTHING you have ever wanted". Boy, that statement has eversomuch hit home with me. And its eversomuch true.

I know that this really is not as reveling as much as I normally do, but my defences are up. And this is out in the world to see. Hard for me to be totally transparent when so much is on the line, and so much that I just dont know about yet. As I know, and I get glimps into that crystal ball I wish I had, I'll be more open...but until then...this is it for now.

xoxo, T