Thursday, September 24, 2009

So some changes start

right now. Yep, that is right.

Sense the last post things have changed yet again. Good right? Well I dont know on that yet. what i do know is that i just rolled with them and adjusted my thinking.

So my night away...not gonna happen. Why? Because I'm a mom first and formost. Alexandria had dental surgery done on Wed. 4 teeth removed, 6 root canels and 6 caps. Plus 3 fillings. Thankfully they knocked her out so she has no memory of like 4 hours. Which is good for her and me both. But the down side is she is now finally feeling better from that TONIGHT, a day later. But she is coming down sick with a cold or something like that. She has cough and fever. So I cannot in good faith leave for 24 hours with her coming down sick. Makes sense? Yes. Am I happy with that choice? Not really, but oh well. I'll roll with it.

So, I still need to breathe, I need to do something to get what is in me out. What else can I do that is as good as 24 hour break? Tattoo. yep you got that right. Back when I was working 14 days straight and 14 hour shift, and I was so stressed out by my family and was getting angry all the time. I had no time to leave and get a break. I got my 1st and 2nd tattoo then. Now I'm not working like I was, but the kids are much older now, and with that they are busy all the time. So am I. Which means I dont have time to take my 24 hour break soon. With that, I will get a tattoo. I have ran thru ideas, more and more of them. I finally found out for one I do like. Tomorrow I am going to see if my friend can draw up what i'm looking at doing. And then tomorrow night go and get it done. I hope it does not cost TOO much. We'll see.

Tomorrow I will go to work for a short bit of time. I dont want to leave Alexandria too long. I will get the tattoo done after Austin gets home from school. Sometime this weekend I'll be going with my best friend and getting massages done.

I will take my weekend away sometime soon. I made myself that promise. I will start doing the things *I* like and NOT care about what others say about me. By me doing that in the last several years, I have lost a big part of me that *I* loved. I want and need that part of me back. My family and friends need that part of me back too, even though they have NO clue what they have been missing. I know that I will lose friends I have now with this change, but if they do make that choice, then they were not real friends from the start.

Sometimes life changes are hard. Sometimes they are easy. Mine are going to be both hard and easy too. It will be an interesting road ahead... stay tuned!

xoxo, T

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Changes and more choices

that is all that seems that I am facing. I hate changes and choices. I know that its needed in life...but it does not mean that I have to like it.

There is just so much going on. I feel like everything is spinning outta control. I'm standing in the middle of the room and unable to breathe. I dont like feeling this way. So its time to take control right?

Step 1: Quit the night job. I feel hella guilty for quitting then I think about how much I personally do not like this job. How badly my heart broke when my little girl said she misses her mommy. How little bit of sleep I get every weekend. How I do not have a day "off" to relax. No, I dont need this job. So I will quit after tonight.

Step 2: take a day off for me. that will be happening next friday. I'm going to get off work and head to the coast. I have booked a hotel room in Bodega Bay. I havent been there in ages. My room has a view of the ocean, you can open the window and hear it. Every time I think about that I just want to get in the car and go now. I'm craving that freedom and the chance to relax. may even pamper myself while I'm there. We'll see. Just to know I dont have anything to do but relax sounds like heaven.

Step 3: ........ I dont know beyond this point. I think I'll know what step three is when I finish off step 2. At least that is what I'm hoping for.

I do know this: This weekend has been hell. everyone is coming down sick, I have not got enough sleep, I forgot about some commitments I was to do. and a bunch of other stuff. I know that Wednesday will be hell on earth for me. Probley one of the worst days of my life. My baby girl is going to have dental sergery done. 13 teeth have issues. 4 of which have to be pulled. She will be given a medication to knock her out so she will have no memorie of this. But I will. I can still remember both times something like this happened to Austin. And those cries and screams still haunt me to this day. Now I'll have them for Boo too.

I feel fragle. Raw and too emotional. I need to heal up some wounds. I need to find my inner strenght again. I need to remember that the only one I can ever count on is me. Because when it comes right down to it, *I* am the only one that is never changing and never leaving. I need to find the fun part of me again. That part got burry so long ago, I'm not sure it can be found. But I'm going to look. I just know that when that part of me is found, that some people are going to judge and walk away. And too bad on them. That is their choice and not mine.

There is much more to say... and more to be said in coming days. But for now I end this. I should be sitting here and working on my school paper. But I cannot focus on that right now. I will soon.

xoxo, T

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Have you ever been so tired

that you dont know what day it is, what time it is, where you are and how to get home? I'm there. I am so tired I cannot eat anything without it coming back up. I cannot sleep without crying myself to sleep. I cannot even put into words how tired I am because its too much effort. I'm totally shut down. I'm in pure survival mode. Its just enough for me to get one foot in front of the other. I am crying over nothing because my body and mind is screaming at me.

I have to stop. I cannot work both jobs. The value of the paper, pay wise, room for growth and so on... makes it a much better job. The job at the hotel is not. I have more hours, but less pay. I dont get to sleep or see the kids. I dont like being gone all night and they are home alone. It worries me.

So it has got to go. I was going to just hang in there till I can get another p/t job but i dont think i can. i left the bosses a note saying i cannot come back in tonight. Did not leave a reason. But i'm sure the one i talked to yesterday can figure that out. I told him i could not keep doing this. his thing is, okay 4 over nights and one swing. Uh, what part of I CANNOT DO OVERNIGHTS did you not get? :sigh:

The up side of all of this, I can now see when I push myself to far. I know my limit. I just need a 2nd job that is during the am hours, and is at least 10 hours a week at $10 or more an hour and we'll be just fine.

With that I have one hour left here. Then its off to go home. I just texted my friends son to see if she can pick up Austin to take him to school this am. I dont think I should be driving. I wish I did not even have to drive home, I am that tired. I relise this and i will be careful. But its scary when you can see this going on and there is nothing you can do but do what you must.

xoxo, T

Monday, September 7, 2009

Wow... hotel....

Yep... so excited... may have jumped the gun a bit. Its been at least 5 years sense I have done graveyard shift reg. And I was always busy. Here at the hotel, I pretty much sit here and do my school work and try very hard to stay awake. There is nothing else to do until about 5 am when I do the night audit and then get the breakfast running.

The first night was okay, I work with another gal so I can learn my job. The second night, cops were here 2 times. Again was working with another person. Did I mention that the hotel is not on the "best" side of town? Yeah its not. Oh and it has a glass door. And I'm all alone here for 8 hours all night long.

Now last night was my 3rd night here. And my first on my own. Shortly after the other gal left, a guy comes in needing to use the phone. He was drunk and driving, had got pulled over (dui check just up the road) and needed to call a buddy to come get the car and him. I was nice and let him use it, then promply locked the door after he was gone. It was totally slow after that till about 530am when a guest dropped off a key to check out. Then was crazy busy because I had to get breakfast going but had no idea how to do it so someone was here to help. Still have no clue how to do it but oh well. I can ask questions. Right? Yes. But will I get answers that will help? Who knows.

Tonight... boy it was a night for the books. And its not even over yet! So far, a guy walks in and checks in to a room. No biggie. Just about 145am a guy calls and is asking about a room with a hot tub. Then is telling me all about his wife's large breasts, down to the size and everything. How he wants her to have their own private room with a hot tub. And it got more and more x-rated from there. I got off the phone with him as quickly and professonally as I could but was/am totally creeped out. Went back to doing my school work and he CALLS BACK AGAIN!!! Dont think he quite relised that he called the same number because he started just like he did before. This time I handled it a bit better and got off the phone with him faster. But, dude.... that is creepy.

So now I have about 4 hours to go, night is half over with. I am staying awake with the aid of my iTunes player with music, pepsi and no-doz. I had 6 hours of broken sleep yesterday. Tomorrow I'm hoping for 6 hours straight sleep. I know my boyfriend will try his best to make sure that happens, but I dont know if my body will allow me to sleep that long in the day time. Have to work here again tomorrow night, and then the paper tomorrow afternoon. Not sure how this is all going to work out, because I am not use to staying up all night long like this. I thought I would be fine.... so far I'm far from it.

Any advice?

xoxo, T

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Work, work and more work

Wow.... Just a month ago I was begging for jobs. And now I have 2. One full time job and one part time job. I am now working EVERY day of the week. It is really cool, let me tell you. Money can actually go into savings! My new jobs are working at our local news paper and working at a local hotel. Pretty cool, huh? Paper is my part time job.... mon- friday. and the hotel is full time sat-wed. I'm loving it!

With that the kids are acting up. they are getting a bit more freedome than what they are use to and are being total snots. I'm not quite sure what to do to correct the behaviors. But something has to be done. So we are working on that. I hope.

This week we added to our little family. Little kitty named Path. He is so loving and very hyper. Fits right on in. He was adopted from a local shelter and was fixed the same day. So he has a cone on his head until next Thursday when it can come off.

I started back to school this week as well. That is going good. Lots of work and its all worth it because in 3 years I'll be graduated with my BS in Business Management!

That is it for now. I need to finish making our late dinner, eat it and send the kids to bed. Because it is off to work I go tonight!

xoxo, T