Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The way things can change

Wow. So a week ago I was feeling bad about myself. Only had a handful of people coming to my birthday party (sounds so freaking childish now!) and was upset that nobody else was coming. Well their loss. Because it was a fab party and with fab friends. They know how to make me laugh, relax and have a great time which is what I did. Here is the pictures from the party.

So tomorrow is my actual birthday. I'm okay with it right now. Its just another day right? I'm just going to be another year older. I heard that people start taking you more serously once you hit 30. We'll see.

A short blog today, as I do have a lot of things I need to get done today. More I'm sure I'll do at a later time. Enjoy the pictures!

xoxo, T

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Ever feel like you have a complex?

I do. More often than not lately.

See, I'm turning the big 3-0 in a week. Yep 7 days. So with some strong encouragment from very well meaning friends, I am throwing my own birthday party. Mind you, I dont do parties. The last one I had for my birthday was when I turned 8 years old. And there was a clown. A scary clown. NOT a good party for me. So anyways, I don't have birthday partys at all mostly because nobody ever shows up. So its setting myself up for a big dissapointment. And i dont deal well with that. Maybe because i have had too much of it in my short lifetime. I dont know. Its to late to analize that fact.

Back to the point. I planned a party, Movie/Hollywood theme because I have this mad love of movies and anything dealing with stuff like that. I invite pretty much everyone that I know. Over 150 people. Probely closer to 200. Out of that many people, I have 10 counting me coming. Last few things I have had, pretty much the same people show up, all the rest bail.

So I got a complex that people dont like me. Why come to anything that *I* put on because its bound to be whatever they are thinking. Add to the coffin is that I had a Job interview on Monday, 2ed one with this one company. I did not get the job. I had one today, dont know if i got the job or no. That i'll find out by the end of the week. And the fact that I cannot find anyone to watch my daughter for my party.

There are times i serously think that there is something wrong with me. that maybe everyone is just nice to my face but think something totally different about me behind my back. I use to not care. Now I do. I dont know why but i do. I value what others (most) think and say about me. I want to be valued as a person and well liked. And after the last few weeks, I dont think that i am. So I am saying I have a complex. And one that i'm not getting over that quickly.

Upside is that I am having a birthday party. I have 10 really great people coming to help me celebrate, one of them being my very sweet boyfriend. And yes, that does sound SOOOOOOO weird coming from me. And while i'm at it, when you are in your 30's and you are dating someone is it still boyfriend/girlfriend or is it called something else? hmmm... a few things to think over.

Till next time......
xoxo, T

Monday, April 13, 2009

Easter weekend is done

Well here is something good. We had a great weekend. Not like I did not think we wouldn't but I did not think *I* would enjoy it as much as I did.

Saturday started off with dropping off Alexandria at one of her really good friend's birthday party. Then we, Austin, bf and me, went to have lunch and then hit the mall. Spent about hr or so in the book store there. I love books! :) anyways went back and picked up Boo.

From there we drove up to the foothills to go to Daffodil Hill. Well they should have still been open, but they had closed for the season. So from there we just went for a drive up in gold country. Up hwy 49 there is a lookout point. I dont remember the name of the bridge/body of water, but its pretty there. We took a few shots of the flowers, kids playing around, and the water. We ended up driving up there for hours.

Sunday, Easter Sunday, we left about 8am to drive to the coast. Course *I* miss the turn off so we had do go the way *I* did not want to go. I just laugh and say that I had missed the drive the Melanie and I went on last year. So after driving way too long we got to the beach. :sigh: heaven! Took a few shot, hit the beach and more pictures. Walked along the beach and found some tide pools in the rocks. Found a few starfish (thrilled boo to no end). Then we left to continue on to Pigion Point.

I found out where their tide pools are, and will have to go back again (perhaps stay there) and check them out at low tide. Then we went down to the beach there. The kids had a blast playing in the water. I just enjoyed being there. The waves were nice. Not as calm as the last time but not too bad too. Boo loved being in her bathing suit and playing in the water. Austin never really saw me taking pictures till the very end. Here is the link to all the pictures so far.

All and all it was a really great day. Until the next time.....

xoxo, T

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Excitement coming up!

Well we are nearly settle in. Woohoo. Now for Easter weekend. We are heading out of town for the weekend. Remember last summer when we went camping? And we went to that nice lighthouse for the beach? We are going back there for Easter Sunday! So excited. Austin has not been there and boo has. And right now is whale watching time too. So it should be a good Sunday. I'll post pics and blog on it sometime early next week.

Just wanted to come and share a bit of excitment!

xoxo, T

Saturday, April 4, 2009

A re-direction...

So last night was a bit of a change. One should never drink when one is upset. add to that one should not blog, email, txt or call people when one is upset and drinking. I toasted last night to the past, I guess you could call it. Now to move on to the future.

What will the future hold? Happyness, love, hope, faith and all of the amazingness we call life. Move on and move forward. Continue on being the better part of me and burry the not so great. Love life and embrace it.

Each day, each moment one can grow stronger or weaker. I choose stronger. To make it in the world out there you need to be strong, and I mean to make it. Those that choose not to accept can move on. I want the ultiment happyness. And I will have it.

One word of wisdom... follow the golden rule, Treat others as you wish to be treated. Also, be the friend that you want others to be to you.

xoxo, T

Friday, April 3, 2009

a bunny trail...

If you manage to read all of what I write and it makes some sense, let me know. I'll bake you some cookies or some treat that you request. Because I need to know what is in my head makes sense. For me.

I do not even know where to start this. So I will start with today and go where ever my mind leads.

The kitten, our newest additon to this house, died today. That in itself is tragic. Having to tell my daughter that her pet (even though it was mine) died once she got out of school was one of the hardest things I had to do. It hurts, but it is just another block for me. I do everything I can to protect the kids. And some days, weeks, months or even years I fail at it. Today was just another one of those days.

But the kitty dying was the icing for me. Tonight it hit hard. Not just the kitty, but in the last 3 years there has been so many changes in my life. I have just rolled with them. Kept being strong and just riding the ride. Just put one more thing on me and I can do it.

Let me just bare my soul here for a minute. Why do I think I am not good enough. Let see, kids, yes they are fabby kids on the most part, but i feel like i fail them because they don't have what they should. Yes, i know you cannot get what all you want in life, but damn it, *I* had a crappy childhood. I'm the first to say it. I do not want the same for my kids. And in some ways, I feel like that is what I give them.

Jobs... they come and they go. I swear that there are days that people just dont like me. I'm to damn set in my ways, too opinionated. I keep saying I'm flexable, and I am to some point. But why is it that when i really want to be i cannot? I set myself up to fail. And that is what i feel like i do in work. why? i dont know.

family... the ones i'm cut off from. Well let see. when i was 16 years old one 1/2 of my family decided sense i could get pregnate and, God forbid, keep the kid, i should not have anything to do with them. so bamm... cut off. I get to read, i kid you not, in the freaking news paper that my grandmother dies (mind you this is like 3 years ago). IN THE FREAKING PAPER! of all things. I dont really believe it because why the hell wouldn't someone call me. Oh yeah, i'm not good enough to be in their "family". Moving on... my mothers side of the family. Yeah... stealing, drug dealing abusive brother. Abusive grand parents. User of a mother. And I cut us off from all of them in the last year. Because its for the best. And that I know. But it hurt the kids, when they were around and now that they are not. How did i turn out the way i did? who the hell knows.

Life changes in the blink of an eye. People come and go. And it seams to me more go than those that stay. Part of it is choices i have made... part of it is shit that happens beyond my control. Why do I have control issues.. that I do know. because if i can control what is going on around me the less i can get hurt. There i have said it. I have admitted more on here with that than i have to another person before in my life. Why is it so hard to just let go? Because with letting go... the pain is soon to follow. And i dont deal with pain. I dont cry (yet i sit here and i cannot stop the tears from 3 years building up from flowing down my face).

why is life so hard? why cant it be the fairtale that i grew up wishing that i could have? why is it every minute of every day i think i'm not good enough to do anything in my life that is worth anything? why is it that the pain i'm feeling right now hurts more than not breathing? why is it that i'm okay sharing it on here and not with anyone that I *know* cares about me? why is it much easier for me to put on the act, smile and say all is alright than to be honest with those around me? why is it that i cannot bring my self to even ask anyone for the simplest things as a hug?

Because its too much and it opens up the crack that cannot be patched back up. I say to a dear friend tonight in an email that i cannot keep being the strong person everyone knows and loves. That i have taken all i can and there is nothing left. How many times have i been to this point and just moved on? How many more times do i need to go there? And why is it that i cannot just take life, love and happyness and run with it and not care what comes my way?

So a kitten dies... and i lose my mind. or at least part of it. But I know where to find it tomorrow. here. on this blog. We'll see how long I leave it up.

xoxo, T

Thoughts on reading....cuz you know i got those!

One of my most favorite things to do is read. I will read anybook at least one time. Most of the time, I will read it over and over again if it good enough and recommend it to others. So in the last few weeks there has been all this rush over "Twilight". Have I read it? Nope. Am I going to? Not likely.

See I look at it this way, I have read Anne Rice. Vampire Queen, in my opinion. And there is nothing else when it comes to that subject that I'm willing to read unless its her work. She is a great author and the stories sing to me. Right now I'm in the current process of re-reading them. I'm on book 3 already "Queen of the Damned" and one of the better books in my opinion. If you have not read them, yes I HIGHLY recommend you do so.

Today I hit up the local used book store. I turned in a bunch of books and they gave me $19.50 store credit. Well I spent that quickly there and 50 cents more! I got 6 books out of the deal though! 3 of them V. C. Andrews, 2 Nora Roberts and 1 Phillipa Gregory. And even though I'm reading my Anne Rice book, I'm so tempted to put it down for my new Phillipa Gregory book. Its one I have YET to read!

My taste in books change all the time. I have to be in a certain mood to read some books. Other times I just need to be bored to pick one up. If I know I have nothing to do the next day or if I really cannot sleep, I can put away 2 books in one night.

Take "The Other Boleyn Girl". That book is 664 pages long. Took me 3 hours to read it. And yes, I could give you a book report on it if you would like. Or any of Sharon Souza's books... Really great author and good friend of mine. You should pick one of them up! Just google her name and you should be able to find her.. :) If not, leave me a comment and I'll hook ya up! lol

So to end this wandering post.. What are you reading right now? Or what is a good book/author you would recommend to me? And if you haven't read in a while... go pick up a book.. go someplace new and explore! And then come back and let me know how it goes!

xoxo, T