Ever feel like you have a complex?

I do. More often than not lately.

See, I'm turning the big 3-0 in a week. Yep 7 days. So with some strong encouragment from very well meaning friends, I am throwing my own birthday party. Mind you, I dont do parties. The last one I had for my birthday was when I turned 8 years old. And there was a clown. A scary clown. NOT a good party for me. So anyways, I don't have birthday partys at all mostly because nobody ever shows up. So its setting myself up for a big dissapointment. And i dont deal well with that. Maybe because i have had too much of it in my short lifetime. I dont know. Its to late to analize that fact.

Back to the point. I planned a party, Movie/Hollywood theme because I have this mad love of movies and anything dealing with stuff like that. I invite pretty much everyone that I know. Over 150 people. Probely closer to 200. Out of that many people, I have 10 counting me coming. Last few things I have had, pretty much the same people show up, all the rest bail.

So I got a complex that people dont like me. Why come to anything that *I* put on because its bound to be whatever they are thinking. Add to the coffin is that I had a Job interview on Monday, 2ed one with this one company. I did not get the job. I had one today, dont know if i got the job or no. That i'll find out by the end of the week. And the fact that I cannot find anyone to watch my daughter for my party.

There are times i serously think that there is something wrong with me. that maybe everyone is just nice to my face but think something totally different about me behind my back. I use to not care. Now I do. I dont know why but i do. I value what others (most) think and say about me. I want to be valued as a person and well liked. And after the last few weeks, I dont think that i am. So I am saying I have a complex. And one that i'm not getting over that quickly.

Upside is that I am having a birthday party. I have 10 really great people coming to help me celebrate, one of them being my very sweet boyfriend. And yes, that does sound SOOOOOOO weird coming from me. And while i'm at it, when you are in your 30's and you are dating someone is it still boyfriend/girlfriend or is it called something else? hmmm... a few things to think over.

Till next time......
xoxo, T