If you manage to read all of what I write and it makes some sense, let me know. I'll bake you some cookies or some treat that you request. Because I need to know what is in my head makes sense. For me.
I do not even know where to start this. So I will start with today and go where ever my mind leads.
The kitten, our newest additon to this house, died today. That in itself is tragic. Having to tell my daughter that her pet (even though it was mine) died once she got out of school was one of the hardest things I had to do. It hurts, but it is just another block for me. I do everything I can to protect the kids. And some days, weeks, months or even years I fail at it. Today was just another one of those days.
But the kitty dying was the icing for me. Tonight it hit hard. Not just the kitty, but in the last 3 years there has been so many changes in my life. I have just rolled with them. Kept being strong and just riding the ride. Just put one more thing on me and I can do it.
Let me just bare my soul here for a minute. Why do I think I am not good enough. Let see, kids, yes they are fabby kids on the most part, but i feel like i fail them because they don't have what they should. Yes, i know you cannot get what all you want in life, but damn it, *I* had a crappy childhood. I'm the first to say it. I do not want the same for my kids. And in some ways, I feel like that is what I give them.
Jobs... they come and they go. I swear that there are days that people just dont like me. I'm to damn set in my ways, too opinionated. I keep saying I'm flexable, and I am to some point. But why is it that when i really want to be i cannot? I set myself up to fail. And that is what i feel like i do in work. why? i dont know.
family... the ones i'm cut off from. Well let see. when i was 16 years old one 1/2 of my family decided sense i could get pregnate and, God forbid, keep the kid, i should not have anything to do with them. so bamm... cut off. I get to read, i kid you not, in the freaking news paper that my grandmother dies (mind you this is like 3 years ago). IN THE FREAKING PAPER! of all things. I dont really believe it because why the hell wouldn't someone call me. Oh yeah, i'm not good enough to be in their "family". Moving on... my mothers side of the family. Yeah... stealing, drug dealing abusive brother. Abusive grand parents. User of a mother. And I cut us off from all of them in the last year. Because its for the best. And that I know. But it hurt the kids, when they were around and now that they are not. How did i turn out the way i did? who the hell knows.
Life changes in the blink of an eye. People come and go. And it seams to me more go than those that stay. Part of it is choices i have made... part of it is shit that happens beyond my control. Why do I have control issues.. that I do know. because if i can control what is going on around me the less i can get hurt. There i have said it. I have admitted more on here with that than i have to another person before in my life. Why is it so hard to just let go? Because with letting go... the pain is soon to follow. And i dont deal with pain. I dont cry (yet i sit here and i cannot stop the tears from 3 years building up from flowing down my face).
why is life so hard? why cant it be the fairtale that i grew up wishing that i could have? why is it every minute of every day i think i'm not good enough to do anything in my life that is worth anything? why is it that the pain i'm feeling right now hurts more than not breathing? why is it that i'm okay sharing it on here and not with anyone that I *know* cares about me? why is it much easier for me to put on the act, smile and say all is alright than to be honest with those around me? why is it that i cannot bring my self to even ask anyone for the simplest things as a hug?
Because its too much and it opens up the crack that cannot be patched back up. I say to a dear friend tonight in an email that i cannot keep being the strong person everyone knows and loves. That i have taken all i can and there is nothing left. How many times have i been to this point and just moved on? How many more times do i need to go there? And why is it that i cannot just take life, love and happyness and run with it and not care what comes my way?
So a kitten dies... and i lose my mind. or at least part of it. But I know where to find it tomorrow. here. on this blog. We'll see how long I leave it up.
xoxo, T
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